How I've conquered my imposter syndrome

I remember sitting with a patient and her dad in my office. I was about two years out of training, and had probably worked with this family for a year. I loved this dad. He was very easy to get along with, understood a lot about what was going on with his children, and always had something nice to say. We were chatting about my education and path in medicine and he said "wow. you must be so smart." I blushed and replied with my usual "no, I'm just really good at school, and I fake it..." I went home that night and replayed that conversation. Why had I doubted his faith in me, and pushed that compliment back at him? How was that going to increase his confidence in my treatment? It was a few months later when I followed up with them again. For a second time he said "you are really smart." This time I paused before answering, almost said no, then said "thank you, you are right. I'm very smart and I've worked very hard. I'm also working on accepting compliments." He laughed and left with his daughter, treatment plan in hand. As 2020 approached, I started thinking about my goals for the year. I'd finally given up on resolutions, deciding instead to have reasonable, achievable goals for myself. I included in there: "conquer my imposter syndrome." My therapist asked how I was going to do that, and I jokingly said to her: "I'm going to go through life with all the confidence of an average White man." I tried to remember the last time I'd heard a male counterpart refute a compliment on their intelligence, and I honestly couldn't. I had no examples to give of my male coworkers expressing any doubt of their abilities and position. Sure, many of them acknowledged they had a lot to learn, or that they felt inadequate at their jobs sometimes. But none of them walked around expressing feelings of inferiority or like they didn't deserve to be where they were. So why, I thought, should I? My first step towards facing this hurdle was our end of year self-evaluations. We have this long list of things we should have done, and whether we meet or exceed expectations. I decided to put exceeds expectations for every option, even the ones I didn't feel I clearly had. I put outstanding for options I normally would have put exceeds. And I turned it into my supervisor saying "it's not my job to downplay my role here. If you think I didn't exceed expectations, you need to tell me so." And when they went through it, not a single one came back and said "nope, you really aren't as great as you seem." The next step was to figure out how I could balance my new found confidence without becoming arrogant. I knew, and still know, that I don't know everything. So I sat down to think about how I ws going to make sure I continue learning and growing in the coming year. I recognized that I wasn't interested or adept at learning from academic journals. I get lost, confused, and overwhelmed by them. I needed to stop finding fault with that, and find better ways to learn. I started searching for books, podcasts, and conferences to attend. An unintended benefit of the world going virtual in 2020 is that I got to attend a LOT of conferences I normally would not have been willing to attend before. I learned so much this year by asking questions, getting opinions, reading different sources of information, watching movies and television shows, and opening up my mind to curioristy and wonder again. I found a love of reading non-fiction that I'd never had before, by just picking different sources. I have found, and continue to find, that working with students makes me a better person and practioner. I stopped and listened to the advice we were giving students, and allowed myself to follow it. A colleague of mine always tells the students "you are experts. Remember that you're the top of the top, so even if you're average in your group, you're incredibly successful compared to the 'norm.'" Remembering this, and internalizing it, helped me realize that I AM an expert. I am a specialist. I know what I'm doing. I have valid opinions and recommendations. I have earned respect and I am valued. I also took a step back to think about my own value, and the values I hold. I didn't want to be a doormat anymore, even if that meant seeming like I wasn't a team player. I found it imperative to tell people no, and to refuse to give unconditionally. I set boundaries at work and in my personal life. In valuing myself, I showed others my value. Around three or four months after the new year, my therapist asked how my mission was going. I remember looking at her and saying "it's going fucking fantastic!" and I truly meant it. In a few short months I'd started building my confidence and feeling better about myself in every way. I attribute some of it to getting older, but I'm finally able to see just what a badass I am. And not only that, I demand that others see it as well. I walk with confidence, and I make sure people understand that I am awesome. And when I think I'm getting a little too arrogant, I remind myself that on this journey, I'm jsut beginning, and I'm actually probably a lot more awesome than I'm wiling to give myself credit for. In doing this, I'm also more willing to take a look at areas i need to improve in. I know that if I want to continue to be an expert, I have to continue growing and learning. I try to practice what I preach to all my patients. I work on self compassion, healing, meditation, mindfulness, and being healthy. I speak my truth, and I'm proud of who I am. I'm finally able to see that I can be the "better" I want to be. I can do the things I dream about. I am worth the work I've put into myself. It's been a crazy two years since I decided to take this endeavor on, and I've never been so proud of myself as I am for having done this. I hope all of you can have a similar success story to write about one day! Cheers to you