Welcome back, it's been awhile

It’s been awhile since I started this blog and only one post on it so far. My goal this year is to increase the number of posts, and make this something meaningful. One of the hardest parts of starting something, for me, is the starting of it. Or the res-starting if I’ve lapsed. I was extremely excited to start this blog, but as I kept putting off new posts, I started doubting myself more. It because harder to start back up the longer I waited, because it felt like I had to explain my absence, or pick a really interesting or meaningful post to start with. One of my goals for the new year is to overcome my imposter syndrome. This blog will be a huge step in the right direction for that. For those of you who don’t know, imposter syndrome is the idea that one’s accomplishments are not deserved, or that one is a fraud. This is a very common phenomena and tends to plague people of minority status the most. It can take on many forms. For me, it’s the idea that all the hard I have done is not enough, that I’m just scraping by, that other factors have influenced my progression through life and medicine. The all too common dismissal of praise, or the idea that I am not as smart as everyone thinks I am. If you’ve read my medical school blog, you know I had struggled a lot. I constantly felt inferior to my classmates. Instead of understanding that within the context of everyone in medical school is smart and worthy, and that my prior accomplishments still mattered, I took it to mean that my prior accomplishments were fraudulent, or granted to me by “other means” and that I didn’t belong in such esteemed company. I’m constantly doubting my own ability to be a good physician or a knowledgeable person. I’m terrified by anyone asking me questions. I answer a lot with “I’m not really sure” and try to deflect it onto others. Even things I am sure of, I don’t give myself enough credit in my knowledge. I’ll constantly say things like “but I might be wrong.” When people compliment me, I push the compliments aside. Especially comments like “you must be so smart.” I don’t know how I’ve been so conditioned to disbelieve any evidence that I am, in fact, intelligent. How does this relate to a blog? Well, not believing I’m smart enough or expert enough makes it hard to post a blog. “what if I post the wrong information? What if someone asks a question I can’t answer? What if I sound dumb?” All of these are real worries for me. But this year I need to do things for myself, and to build myself up. How does one conquer their imposter syndrome? I’m sure there are a million articles out there about the steps we should take. My plan may be a bit different than that. First off, I’m going to accept compliments. I think women are conditioned throughout life not to accept compliments and to be too hard on ourselves. Whenever someone tells me I look good, I’m going to thank them. Maybe throw my hair over my shoulder and bat my eyelashes. When someone says I’m smart, I’m going to thank them. I’m not going to try and contradict anyone’s good thoughts about me. I’m also going to celebrate and use the way I learn instead of feeling like I learn “wrong.” I learn best by someone teaching me. Reading an academic article is not helpful to me. I get caught up in the details and very bored by the comment. I prefer when someone summarizes things for me. I like hearing someone explain to me why something works or going to conferences to learn new things. I do well with short podcasts or lectures. I don’t do well with literature reviews. That doesn’t make me less worthy or intelligent that others. When people ask for my opinion or advice, I’m going to be confident in my ability to give it. I’ve been through many years of schooling, training, and practice. I know what I’m doing. I’ll volunteer to teach and provide consultations. Although I love to call this the “year I conquer my imposter syndrome,” I know that this might not be accomplished in one year. It’s taken me years to get here, it’ll take me years to get out of it. There have been so many subtle, learned, and engrained instances that have reinforced my imposter syndrome. It’s like a weight I’ve been carrying on my back all these years. I won’t be able to drop it all forever, but being able to slowly lighten the load will be a victory. As they say, one day at a time. So join me on my journey of self discovery, information, and hopefully, we can stop the stigma around mental health.